Our conversation took on a serious note before the Feng Shui session began. I found myself describing my experienced trauma from childhood which explained my present need to isolate and protect myself from further real or perceived emotional abuse. I was caught perceiving myself as a helpless vulnerable victim to the whims of attacks on the part of peoples imperfections - little aware at the time of their own wounds. I was too wrapped up in my own needs and had no space left to consider their dilemma as well.
Marianna discerned correctly how I regarded my gentle nature as a weakness rather than strength. To her it was clear that my gentle strength is very powerful indeed. Simply by asking the right questions, she sensed a blockage in my energy and wanted to know if I remembered a time that that may have come about.
Sometimes a miracle, or a change in perception, can be uncovered by asking the right questions; allowing oneself the space to explore a painful place in a safe environment. I gave myself permission to see my false self (weak, defenseless, frightened) as a result of the constant criticism by my father. I now understand this as his mechanism to feel better about himself as well as his need to feel in control – a necessity for someone who never sobered up and never went into recovery.
Marianna proceeded to walk through my apartment and pointed out various items representing childlike vulnerability and helped me to remove them. She also noticed a draining away of nurturing, empowering energy so we removed articles, changed pictures, and moved a mirror. All the while I received the benefit of her natural gift of insight into what was going on with me internally.
So much wisdom and revelation occurred that day that I was worried that she might wind up exhausted with all our efforts and energy focused on changing and shifting things around. To the contrary she said that she is filled as she gives out the energy. She also explained that Feng Shui is a powerful process which plays out over time by allowing the external changes in one's environment to affect an internal change. It could take a few days or a couple of weeks before one begins to notice change.
Two days later I experienced a anxiety attack while in conversation with someone on the phone, who with all good intentions, was pushing me. It triggered the abuse issues I experienced so many decades past.
But then I stopped myself from going down that spiral, and instead, considered how wounded my friend was from her family history; I then understood I had no need to defend my position, just understanding her pain and forgiving her released me from needing to "go there." I felt lifted up. Unconsciously I began walking in the light of gentile forgiveness of both her and me - allowing God's love to shine for both of us as well as within us. She no longer mirrored my false self but instead reflected who and how I really am in truth.
It's taking me a while to adjust to this perception of myself. However, I am doing more outside my home - a sign that I am leaving my old limitations behind - returning into a more wholesome place. A place in the future; beneficial not only to me, but to all with whom I am connected.
Feeling safe at home, I now look forward to further changes without the trepidation from my past. Praise God!